


Start Your Shopping Carts

by beanietyler



Category: Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Crack, Funny, Gay, M/M, One Shot, Panic At The Disco (Band), Pre-Hiatus (Fall Out Boy), Sorry Not Sorry, Walmart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-05-22 00:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6064417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beanietyler/pseuds/beanietyler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when you bring Tyler, Brendon, Pete, and Josh together in a Walmart? Things can get out of hand. A (hilarious) one shot which includes a lightsaber duel, tampons, whoopie cushions, fuzzy lamps, big tricycles, and our favorite FBR superstars!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Start Your Shopping Carts

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully this makes u laugh :)

It is another sunny day in Los Angeles, and it was another venue to be played tomorrow night. Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun are staying at Josh’s apartment near downtown LA, which is also considered Tyler’s, as they usually had been. They are on tour with Fall Out Boy, and their buddies are staying at a hotel just down the block from Josh’s pad. In their hotel room, Pete Wentz is in the process of producing a diabolical surprise for Josh and Tyler. He has no idea what he wants to do to them yet, but he knows it’s going to be great. He patiently makes his way downstairs, so that he can see when they leave their apartment.

When Josh and Ty step into their place, Josh realizes that the fridge was completely empty; a result of being away on tour for so long. Jenna, their Siamese cat, meows loudly, her bowl void of a single scrap of kitty chow. Tyler sighed and looked at her. They just wanted something quick; they were tired and hungry.

"McDonald's for dinner?" Josh suggests. It was 6PM.

"Sure, why not? Where's the closest one?"

Josh pulls it up on his iPhone. "Um, the Walmart, across the street."

"Alright, let's go."

They go down to the lobby, but don't realize that Pete is there, watching them leave in Josh’s car. 'Where could they be going?' he asks to himself. Pete jumps into his automobile and follows them down the street.

"Across the street? To Walmart?" He says aloud, but decides to continue to follow them, being the insane lunatic he is.  
“Why would they take the car if it’s across the street?”

“Josh, why did we take the car if it's just across the street?” Tyler asked.  
“I'm not sure, I think the writer of this story just likes the idea of me driving a car.” Josh said, flexing his muscles as he gripped on the steering wheel.  
Tyler raised his eyebrows. It was kinda hot.

Josh hops out of the car and helps Tyler out. They lock it up and make their way inside. They are blinded momentarily by the bright LED lights inside of the superstore. There are barely any people shopping, which is very unusual for a Walmart smack dab in the middle of LA. Tyler spots the Mickey D's on the left, but his thoughts are interrupted by a familiar emo superstar's voice.

"Ty Jo and Dunut! Ciao!” Brendon Urie bellows.

They cringe slightly at the pet names he gave them.  
"Hey Brendon! What are YOU doing here?" The brunette singer approaches them, grinning widely, forehead gleaming beautifully.  
Josh reaches to give him a man-hug, and Tyler does the same, but less… rough. Brendon’s boisterous, outgoing aura always left Tyler feeling a little more shy than usual.

"Ah, yes, Brendon had yet another fucking interview here,” said Brendon, using the third person to express himself, “that's why he's not home. Can't I go grocery shopping in peace without you gay bozos showing up?" 

Tyler rolls his eyes, slightly annoyed. Brendon had always made jokes about them being together, but both Tyler and Josh know that Mr. Urie loves seeing them together.

"Don't you have a show tomorrow?" Brendon asks, pointing to Tyler.

"Yeah, actually an-" Ty begins, but is cut off...

"WE have a show tomorrow!" Pete Wentz interrupts, and walks over to them. Perfect timing.

"Pete? What are YOU doing here?" Tyler’s eyes widen and Josh’s jaw drops to the floor. Didn’t he just tell them earlier that he was just chilling in the hotel with his band? Had he followed them to Walmart?

"That's besides the point. Did you get enough practice, Joseph? Quick enough on your feet for that crazy show of yours? How about a quick... race?" Pete says, grabbing a shopping cart. Pete knows he wants something to go down. And if it means having to race Tyler and Brendon around a crappy Walmart, then so be it.

"A race!" Tyler shouts.

"In WALMART?"

"With shopping carts!"

"Yeah!" Pete grins, a mischievous look in his eye.

Ten minutes later...

The three Fueled By Ramen stars are lined up at the starting line with their crappy shopping carts: Tyler in the middle, and Brendon and Pete on either side of him. A very excited Brendon is making engine sounds and raspberries with his tongue.  
Josh came over holding a floral print shower curtain: the only thing he could scavenge that would be a suitable flag for the starting line.

'How did I get into this?' Tyler asked himself.

'What am I doing here?' Brendon thought.

'Let's start this shit!' Pete was ecstatic.

"Alright LADIES!" Josh starts, "This is IT. A three way fight for the finish. The race... OF THE CENTURY!"

"GET ON WITH IT!" Shouts an impatient Brendon.

Josh growls. "Alright, I've given you each a list of random things that are all placed around the store. You must find them all within the time limit of 25 minutes, nab them, then race back to me with your list checked off. Understand? There's employees, security guards, managers, and old people. At any cost, DO NOT get caught by them. Rules: you cannot bump, or flip another player's cart, or steal things from theirs. Got it? Okay! Whoever wins gets whatever they want from the McDonald's, and the loser has to wear a chiffon skirt and lose a bet. (author: crap reference lol sorry)

Start.. Your... Shopping Carts!" Josh yells.

Pete and Brendon hop up and down, and Tyler furrows his eyebrows in concentration. He smirks at the boys next to him. Do they even know how fast of a runner he is? Brendon makes the sign of the cross. “The key to success… IS FAITH. They don’t want you to win.” Urie tells his opponents.

"On your mark, get set, GO!" Josh waves the shower curtain, and the three skinny-jean-wearing men take off in all directions.

Tyler looks at the list. The first item is bananas. Gross. He zooms towards the grocery section. A lot of people are staring at him, and employees are already shouting at him to slow down, but he is determined to win. He does not want to come in last and give Brendon and Pete another reason to tease him. After all, he is already having fun. Thankfully, his opponents are somewhere else. His tactic is to try to sneakily (and rapidly) grab all of his items without interference from them, if at all possible.

Pete and Brendon are racing down the same aisle, both standing on the bottom bars of their carts and pushing them like skateboards. Pete starts to swerve in an attempt to knock him over, but Brendon jumps off of the cart, and pulls it to an abrupt halt. Pete continues to go forward, swerving right into the women's lingerie section. He opens his eyes amidst lacy panties and sees Brendon zooming away with his coat hanger and DDD sized bra. Other items from the list.

“Finders keepers, losers weepers!” Brendon shouts.

"Damn you!"

Pete looks down at the pile of lingerie he's sitting in. Aha. Here we go. He grabs a handful of bras while women shout at him. He stumbles his way out of the mess, flips his cart over, and wobbles over to electronics. He was now after a Spongebob Squarepants Season One DVD Boxed Set: Golden 10 Year Anniversary Edition. What was Josh thinking when he created that list?

Suddenly, Wentz feels a sharp pain slash through his right leg, and his whole thigh begins to shake like crazy. "LEG SPASM!" he screams, and flies into a stand of blueberry pies.

Tyler has already gotten about half of the things on his list, and it's been about ten minutes. He decides that he's doing good enough for a one minute break. After all, he just went to go fetch super plus tampons; something he's never done before. He spies an adult-sized big wheel tricycle and goes over to inspect it.

Brendon wheels through the toy section to look for a... Singing toy hamster. He sees some type of fat animal that resembles a hamster, so he figures it's close enough and throws it in the cart, whistling to himself. He rounds the corner and spots Mr. Joseph messing around with a tricycle. Typical.

An idea hatches in Brendon’s mind when he peers down at the bag of gummy bears in his cart. He tears open the bag quietly, grabs a handful, then throws them all at once at Tyler’s back, where they explode all over him and fall in his shirt. Brendon, doubling over in laughter, doesn't realize that there's a stand of whoopie-cushions right behind him. With one step back, he knocks the whole thing over in a huge crash. Farting sounds are heard throughout the whole store, and Tyler falls to the ground in laughter.

Josh, sitting innocently on a bench at the front of the store, keeps his eye on his watch. He then hears a thousand farting sounds from the corner of the store. He shakes his head. "Cleanup on aisle twenty one," an employee announces boredly.

But what Josh doesn't notice is a stampede of managers and security guards running out of a side office. They disperse, and begin their hunt for the suspects.

Pete quickly recovers and gets up from the gooey pie mess. He sees employees heading his way, and he makes a run for it.

"To the pregnancy test kits! Awaaayyyyy!" Pie-Pete shouts while people throw random items at him in rage.

Tyler had taken off after Brendon’s whoopie cushion incident, running down the toy aisle and around the toy section. Tyler is a fast runner, but now Brendon has finally caught up to him. He gasps for air after having to chase him. After making a big loop, they end up confronting each other in the Star Wars section. Tyler turns to Urie. "I'm gonna get you for that hideous stunt with the gummy bears!" he threatens.

(author: I quote straight from Star Wars below ha)  
"Not today!" Brendon reaches behind him for the first thing on the rack he can use as a weapon. He swiftly draws out... A green lightsaber! Perfect.

Tyler, seeing the hazard, ducks to get a double-sided, red saber.

"You are beaten. It is useless to resist. Don't let yourself be destroyed as Ryan did!" Brendon 'slashes' Tyler’s right hand.

"Aaahhh!" Screams Ty in fake pain.

"There is no escape, don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end his destructive conflict and bring order to the bandoms." Brendon wants Tyler to replace the hole in his heart that Ryan left. 

"I’ll never join you!"

"If you only knew the power of the dark side. Josh never told you what happened to your father." Brendon swings his saber.

"He told me enough! It was you who killed him." Tyler cries out.

"No. Brendon is your father."

Tyler screams in sheer agony.

"Muahahahaaaa! Hahhha-" Brendon then begins to violently cough, and he hits himself in the chest. "Excuse me." Brendon then launches himself forward and hits Tyler’s saber again and again until Ty stumbles back into a baby stroller. Brendon pushes the stroller and it rolls furiously towards the pillow aisle.

Feathers explode everywhere, and a red faced Tyler Joseph tries to ruffle the white mash out of his hair. That no good emo boy WILL PAY.

Tyler sees authorities running towards him. He grabs his cart and zoops away.

Meanwhile, Pete nabs a fluffy lamp and notices one last thing on the list. Constipation medicine, and he was in the clear! He arrives at the pharmacy.

"Hurry! Hurry! I need constipation medicine, and QUICKLY! My social life depends on it!" Wentz shouts at the fat man behind the pharmacy desk.

The fat man grins in a way which brings discomfort to Pete. "Don't we all? Yeah it's a real life saver. Comes out perfectly smooth, with my favorite one. Now my friends don't make fun of my stench! Follow me."

Josh counts down the seconds until their time is up. He’s starting to get worried, because there are no employees nearby. That can’t be a good sign. They are probably running around chasing Pete, Tyler, and Brendon...

Josh spots Brendon first, running up the big aisle on his right. His hair bounces as he pushes the cart with one hand, waving for Josh with his other hand. Tyler pops up from around the corner, darting past Brendon and having a frightened look in his eye. Pete follows them frantically.

"Be concerned! Abort mission! RETREAT!" Tyler shouts as a flood of store officials follow the three of them. Josh’s eyes widen as he begins to get up slowly, heading out the door as he watches the crowd behind him. He turns and sprints towards his car. He never imagined in his wildest dreams that he would be in the position he's in now.

Tyler, Pete, and Brendon all abandon their carts, frantically pushing them to the side. They dash out the door. Josh has pulled up to the front. Tyler jumps in the Honda, followed by Brendon barely squeezing in, as it is a two seater.

Josh steps on the gas and Pete yells in horror of being left. He lunges onto the hood of the car at the last minute, and climbs on the roof over to the window. He squeezes in through the window all while they were leaving the parking lot.

The Walmart employees all stare in shock as the rampage drives away.

"Should we call the cops?" A cashier asks the manager.

The manager shakes his head.

"Wasn't that Tyler Joseph of twenty one pilots?"

"As if! Why would he ever shop at Walmart?"

"As long as they don't come back..."

Everyone filed back into the Walmart, to clean up the mess.

"We earned some bad bruises, but it was all worth it in the end!" Pete is still laughing.

"So who won?" Asks Brendon.

Josh sighs in an amused way. "Well, no one won really, I mean, I never checked your carts. So... No one gets McDonald's and no one has to wear a chiffon skirt and lose a bet."

"But I'm still hungry." Tyler whines.

Josh looks around and spots another Walmart. "McDonald's, anyone?"

The three men groan in unison.

**Author's Note:**

> In this fic, FOB are still a part of FBR.  
> sorry this kind of sucked i wrote this when i was like a freshman so like 3 years ago. it’s crap. but i had to post it. :) ty  
> AND DAMN THANKS FOR ALL THE HITS ON MY FIRST STORY (go check it out!)


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